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18 November 2008

So, Ben, how have you been? the untold story.

Now playing: The Beach Boys - Darlin'
via FoxyTunes
I'm sick of it.

I really do HATE looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person that I see. I have lost about 25 pounds since I've started trying to lose weight. And I don't like looking in the mirror anymore. The person who I see is a stranger. It kind of weirds me out to be honest. Its weirder to look at pictures of what I used to look like. Because I can't remember looking like that. I wonder what I am supposed to look like. I have scars, they aren't noticeable but they make me feel imperfect. I wonder if I'll ever truly be comfortable with the way that I look. I'm sick of it.

I miss music. There is a part of me that needs music and my current playlists don't suffice. I do enjoy the music I listen to, but I really miss the Spirit of peace that music brings to my soul when I perform. I miss those chords that give me chills and the melodies that bring tears to my eyes. I can't play the piano well and I don't have the drive to continue the banjo. I'm sick of it.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't such a wimp. Growing up I spent my entire life trying to figure out who I was. I was always trying to define myself. I am nineteen years old and I still don't really know who I am. I'm still not entirely sure exactly who I want to be. My junior year of high school was the first time I'd ever taken a step out of my comfort zone. When I went to EFY that summer I felt like I was living the life I wanted to live. I became "Ben Brown". I finally had an identity that I tried to live up to. But I failed. No one was meant to be perfect in the life. But I had to many failures to be truly happy with myself. I'm sick of it.

I've spent the last three years of my life trying to escape a couple of things. But I couldn't let go. No matter how hard I tried I was haunted by thoughts of things that could have been. In a way I still am haunted but no longer by these things. If there is anything that I've learned ever, it is that God expects a lot from me. He knows what I am capable of. "When I feel like just a teardrop in the rain, and I'm meant to be a river, God sees the ocean in me." I have made many mistakes in my life. And for me, when times are bad, I blame myself. I know that I control many instances but I need to stop holding myself accountable for the actions of others. I'm sick of it.

I constantly try to be positive and do my best. Unfortunately, the truth is, on the inside, I hate the way parts of my life have turned out. And I know that it shouldn't matter but I guess its part of being human. I really want to give up sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I can't handle things anymore. But what really keeps me going is my family. There is so much turmoil going on in my life right now. Buts its all in an inner conflict. There is so much I feel that I need to fix that I need to repair. And most of it I really can't. I really just need to let go. How though? How do I let go? I'm sick of it.

I know how. It just doesn't seem fair. I'm sick of it.

And I know life isn't fair. But sometimes I wish I could redo everything I have ever done. Re-make every choice that I have ever made. Would I be truly happy then? One of my goals is to inspire others. I want to help others achieve their dreams. But I guess that the first thing that I need is a true dream of my own. One that I can work toward. One that doesn't leave me feeling guilty. I need to find my inspiration to continue with my life before I am ready. I'm sick of it.

Thanks for reading this. I wish there was some way I could tell you that the fact that you know all this means that you've seen deeper into my inner self than I have ever let anyone ever before. Thanks. And I love you.

Now playing: Sherwood - Song In My Head
via FoxyTunes

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